A spokesman for the brewery accused local people of 'hoarding supplies of lard', further exaccerbating the situation.....

Now that the hunt season is underway, controversy still dogs the Chipping Sodbury hunt, well known hunt figure "Dogferret" Monk is seen, next to his distinctive purple flat-twin outfit, preparing his hunt pack of Bradford pye-bald Northerners for the off......later years have seen the ferret population diminished in our hedge rows around Dorset. But Dogferret was optimistic, "...If they can smell 'em, they'll find 'em, don' matter how 'ard they after dig, they'll even use shovels...."

Later, the day's hunt was upset by the Northerner pack finding it's way into Chipping Sodbury's Sainsbury's Underware and Lingerie department, causing chaos. Eye-witnesses described them trying on three or more undergarments each, "And well you know, they are not the most sanitary of creatures" Mrs Valerie Merkin related..Later, the store confirmed they had burnt their entire stock to retain consumer confidence.

Monk later confirmed that the hunt had lost a little control, "But it's the scent, see....drives them to a frenzy, they're not used to havin' underwear an' cutlery likes wat you or I would 'ave" The day's final total of five ferrets and a cyclist pleased 'Dogferret' no end, "Yus, people say 'ow it aint humain, even cruel to hunt with Northerners, but I says that there aint no happier sight than a Northerner, running back with a ferret gently gripped in it's teeth ( by the scruff 'o' it's neck.....so it don' harm non...) and a Bensons tucked in it's ear. You Town people don' understand country ways, my father was huntin' with Northerners before youn were born......it's traditional"

IKEA have announced a new range of Dubbin-based skin care products for your Northerner, fragrances include Frangipani, Lotus, Pine and Chip Fat, excellent for a shiny coat and glossy nose-hairs. Our Autumn edition reviews this range and the required upholstery cleaner, see your local outlet for details

More ghastly news greeted the offices of T' Northerner this week when the 'Great Northerner Show' in Yorkshire was cancelled after just one day. Ophelia Bbuttocks-Minge tragic experience of seeing her rehabilitated rescue Northerner 'Kevin', crushed under the wheels of Lady Betty Swallocks-Hamilton's ( Swetty to her friends) Range Rover.
"I could not believe it, he caught a glimpse of the Harrison lathe manufacturers stand and was so excited he ran straight into the path of Swetty's 3.5 Vogue". Ophelia sobbed.
Lady Swallocks-Hamilton recalled, " I set off and heard a screech and thump, thinking 'that's strange...' I put it in reverse ( 4 wheel drive and differentials locked ) to see if the noise reoccured, which it did, only then did I notice Ophelia....When I stepped out, it was horrible, the poor thing was all over the tyres, I had only just put the snow chains on........
This only emphasises that your Northerner must be trained with a respect for the road and cars in general, even if it means using a leash when in heavy traffic or towns. Some people find this degrading, Northerner Rights campaigners have long argued against leashes, but my Sheffield Red 'Francoise' seems to really enjoy it and even becomes quite frisky- we now need new table legs in the drawing room........