Since the rise in popularity of keeping northerners, many breeding 'bolts' have emerged and while most keep to good practise, one or two have produced some quite horrifying tales of abuse and deformity through lack of good practise.

  Our undercover reporter, Ophelia Buttocks-Minge, enquired at a Lincoln bolt, purportedly offering pure-bred 'Damiens' and cross-bred 'Janines' from P-Alpha stock (Gateshead blues) run by an unsavoury character, a Mr 'Gimlet' Hancock, she takes up the story........

"I spoke to Mr Hancock on the phone who assured me he had two good quality 'Damiens' and to meet him on sunday at his bolt in Lincoln, when we met I was a little disconcerted as Mr Hancock was quite disheveled, he had sounded quite an Eton Blue on the phone, but Chablis '69 was staining his lapels and he had clearly been snorting Profiterolls.
Not one to judge on first appearances, I let him lead me to the holding pens where my apprehension was justified, apart from being surrounded by motorcycle outfits, sidecars brimming with Haagen-Daz 'Double-Sprout' cartons and Mouton Rothschild '37 bottles.........

I could not believe the condition of the Northerners, my two 'Damiens' were bedded on shredded copies of the 'Times', with a listless glaze to their eyes and no vitamin 'lard' lick to keep their coats healthy
A tortoise-shell 'Janine' and a Whitley-Bay-Blue, obviously in season, were fighting over a copy of 'Hello' magazine. A very sticky 'Charmain-Kylie' cross-bred northerner in faded court shoes left perched in the corner, caught my eye as he had spectacular eyebrow growth and rich glossy nose-hairs. He was in poor health, with Aldi carriers littering his perch and bits of Ural parts strewn about.But I could not leave him there as he looked absolutely desperate for a Madras and chips. By offering a mere two thousand pounds to 'Gimlet' I secured him and his UB40, I could not look back as I gunned the Range-Rover out of the drive but vowed to expose this shame to all breeders of Northerners."

 Clearly a moving tale, Ophelia, and you should be on your guard when looking for a 'northerner' as many breeders are finding that the limit on a mideden is three litters after which they produce offspring with two arses, which are clearly not suitable for home rearing. ( They cannot use a litter tray.......)

 Stray northerners are now becoming a problem in the Midlands, so I hope you will assist in this years 'NORTHERNER SPAYATHON' held at the GMex centre in July. It is the only humane solution as small packs have been seen around green houses in Cheltenham, Guildford and Romney Marsh, often tearing open gro-bags for the compost, which relieve them of anal lice.....
Finally on a lighter note, a new breeding centre in Grimbsy has genetically engineered a cross between a 'Janine' and a ridge-backed 'Ursula' giving a much better temperament and quicker moulting of the winter lycra crop tops, but they do still lactate humus, so it's still swings and roundabouts I'm afraid......

By Geff FForbes-BallSweller ( BsC Kun)