All the things you wanted to know about Northerners....But didn't want to appear too Southern.....

After a short visit to some Southern friends, I realised their 'Knowledge of Northerners' was a bit lacking, so here is a guide for Southern folk, ( stop you talking about the value of your house so much )
Many people seem to be a bit confused with Northerners, so with current trends it is important to understand the correct proceedure for keeping them, nothing is more disturbing than seeing Northerners given as a present at Christmas only to be abandoned by New Years Day at the side of the M1

 You may have been to a rally and seen one you liked, it looks cute and has interesting markings, but a mistake here could leave you with huge feeding and vets bills, if you choose the wrong one. Look at our 'Northerner Frequently Asked Questions' below....

 "We found a Northerner we liked, it's really great with the kids and always uses the litter tray, but has developed sticky patches and looks listless and bored, please help" Confused of Faringdon

Yes, Confused, you seem to have fallen into the trap of thinking your Northerner's diet is just 'smerking tabs and drinking pints of Tetley's', try varying it's diet with curry or Bradford jam on a popadum, this should make more variety for it so that it looks forward to meal times, this should stop the stickyness

 "We managed to find a very rare Arboreal or Treeclimbing Northerner, last June, but although it settled in and gets on well with our dog, it has taken to scratching furniture and chewing the corners of our rugs and marking it's territory with slug shite, please help as we adore it's bright markings and regional accent" Fazed of Banbury

Dear Fazed, unfortunately these rare breeds need plenty of space and sunlight in which to roam, the right habitat is important, a dry hutch or small shed is excellent but give it something to keep it amused such as a ferret or small lathe, something that it will mark as it's own, you should see an improvement by changing it's diet as well

 "My wife found an abandoned cross bred 'janine' Northerner at a recent rally, it has lovely markings and white court shoes but keeps eating the cats food and chasing the post man, is this behavioural or just a case of 'slapper mange', I don't want to have it put down as the kids love it, however it has started coughing up tissues from under the bed and borrowing the car at week ends......where will it end?" Twisted of Lincoln

Yes, cross breeds are a very good choice of Northerner, they don't have expensive habits and are easy to house train but they do suffer from attention deficit disorder, anal discharge and night vision. So the right diet and plenty of clean straw is a must. Twenty Bensons will stop the anal discharge in most cases, though not with Arboreal Northerners. Their nose hair preening habits seem to make them unaffected by anal discharges, something to do with the transmission of antibodies.

 Two excellent, but not well-known, books by JR Hartley are a good guide to handling and showing your Northerner, the "Care and Patronising of your Northerner" and "All that coal in the bath and they still breed like rabbits" are required reading for beginners, the IKEA 'Cuntibocks' is now the standard for transporting and showing your prized Northerner, having a wipe-clean plenum chamber which stops blow-back ( See 'sprout-flavoured ice-cream') But do remember to have fun showing your Northerner, as I have detected a degree of snobbishness creeping in at events, with some breeders arriving in custom-purchased flat-twin driven outfits having a hinged flap at the back for their show Northerner, which is really going too far- a Discovery or Range Rover being much more suited to 'Three day eventing' without looking pretencious.

 Finally, do remember not to leave your Northerner in the car now that the weather is turning warmer, they only smash the glass to get out and use your charge cards to buy sprout-flavoured ice-cream. 

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